Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, anxiety about death, sterilization

It’s been a long time since I’ve written on here.  I mostly gave up on this blog because I was afraid it was no longer anonymous.  I wronged someone and I feared they would out me, but they didn’t.  Perhaps they are a better person than I am.  I’m writing here today because I don’t feel like I have anywhere else where I can write.  I’m usually fine with sharing exceptionally personal information on my other blog, but this feels different.

I’ve decided to get sterilized this year and while I know it is the right choice for me because of my Bipolar Disorder and because I also have a genetic clotting disorder that would make any pregnancy incredibly high risk, I’m grieving and mourning for everything that will be lost when I have the surgery.  I wouldn’t feel right about subjecting an innocent child to the hell that I live through every day, through the mood swings, through the suicidal ideation, through the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.  I also wouldn’t feel right having a child when my clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden, would be passed down, which could cause disability or even death.

I feel bad about the idea of not giving my parents grandchildren, especially not knowing whether or not my brother plans on having children.  I feel sad at the idea that in 15 or 20 years my parents could be gone and my dog will definitely be gone.  I don’t want to be left all alone.  I don’t really have hope for falling in love and getting married or anything.  I can hardly stand myself, how can I expect someone else to put up with me?

I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to withstand the death of my dog when the time comes.  About a year and a half ago, she finished her training and became a psychiatric service dog, so she goes everywhere with me and provides invaluable support for my anxiety.  She does blocking, deep pressure therapy (DPT), and grounding techniques for when I get anxious or have a panic attack.  I love her with my whole heart and truly do not know if I can survive losing her, even though I know it’s inevitable unless I kill myself before she dies.  The problem with killing myself before I start losing people is that those people would then lose me and it would hurt them very badly, so even though I may sometimes want to kill myself, I know I won’t really.

I feel really sad at the idea of being left all alone and sad that I won’t get to be a Mom, even though I don’t really even like kids that much anymore.  I guess I’m just sad because I’ll never get to feel what it feels like to be a mother.  I love my mom so much and she loved her mom so much.  Less people to lose me one day, I guess.

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