Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, anxiety about death, sterilization

It’s been a long time since I’ve written on here.  I mostly gave up on this blog because I was afraid it was no longer anonymous.  I wronged someone and I feared they would out me, but they didn’t.  Perhaps they are a better person than I am.  I’m writing here today because I don’t feel like I have anywhere else where I can write.  I’m usually fine with sharing exceptionally personal information on my other blog, but this feels different.

I’ve decided to get sterilized this year and while I know it is the right choice for me because of my Bipolar Disorder and because I also have a genetic clotting disorder that would make any pregnancy incredibly high risk, I’m grieving and mourning for everything that will be lost when I have the surgery.  I wouldn’t feel right about subjecting an innocent child to the hell that I live through every day, through the mood swings, through the suicidal ideation, through the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.  I also wouldn’t feel right having a child when my clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden, would be passed down, which could cause disability or even death.

I feel bad about the idea of not giving my parents grandchildren, especially not knowing whether or not my brother plans on having children.  I feel sad at the idea that in 15 or 20 years my parents could be gone and my dog will definitely be gone.  I don’t want to be left all alone.  I don’t really have hope for falling in love and getting married or anything.  I can hardly stand myself, how can I expect someone else to put up with me?

I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to withstand the death of my dog when the time comes.  About a year and a half ago, she finished her training and became a psychiatric service dog, so she goes everywhere with me and provides invaluable support for my anxiety.  She does blocking, deep pressure therapy (DPT), and grounding techniques for when I get anxious or have a panic attack.  I love her with my whole heart and truly do not know if I can survive losing her, even though I know it’s inevitable unless I kill myself before she dies.  The problem with killing myself before I start losing people is that those people would then lose me and it would hurt them very badly, so even though I may sometimes want to kill myself, I know I won’t really.

I feel really sad at the idea of being left all alone and sad that I won’t get to be a Mom, even though I don’t really even like kids that much anymore.  I guess I’m just sad because I’ll never get to feel what it feels like to be a mother.  I love my mom so much and she loved her mom so much.  Less people to lose me one day, I guess.

Goodbye, Robin

K and L Do Life

I’d give anything to have nothing to write about this week.

There are going to be four million blog posts and articles and tributes in the coming weeks, and months, and maybe even years about Robin Williams, and how funny he was, and inspiring, and wonderful. There will be expressions of shock and horror at the fact that such an apparently happy man, a man who by most definitions had everything, took his own life. People will misunderstand. People will call him a coward. He was anything but. My post is sure to get lost in the shuffle, but I just have to post it anyway.

I wish I could say I was shocked, or that I didn’t understand why he did what he did. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Robin Williams was always a man who had problems. His substance abuse problems were talked about openly and often. His choices…

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Harry Potter and the Rejuvenated Life – Part 2

Incredibly eloquently written second part in a seven part series, this is an entertaining and eye opening post about the the second Harry Potter novel and its themes.

K and L Do Life

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” ~ Albus Dumbledore

After I finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, I couldn’t have waited more than twenty minutes before starting the next one. In fact, the first three books came out so close together (and came into my hands even faster than that) that, for me, there may as well have been no gap between them at all.

As Harry enters his second year at Hogwarts, a number of new, very important things are established, and both the world and the scope of the story grow larger. Again, the series approaches some very serious subjects in a way that’s accessible and digestible to children. In the same way Sorcerer’s Stone is about life, death, and finding strength to face them, Harry Potter and the…

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Sometimes I See, Hear, and Feel Stuff That Isn’t Real, and That’s Okay

This is an excellent post that tells what it’s like to have a mental illness. This guy is fighting the good fight against stigma!!

K and L Do Life

This one isn’t going to be easy to write. It might not be easy to read, either. Since I started this blog, I’ve been simultaneously eager for and dreading this blog, and I think it’s time. I’m going to talk about the hallucinations and delusions that strike me.

I remember being a child and assuming that my parents were poisoning me. It wasn’t a suspicion, but nor was it some panicked concern. I was just calmly certain that it was happening. I ate the food anyway, because I was far more concerned about them finding out that I had those kinds of thoughts than I was about the poison. The way I figured it was that if I was right, I might survive the poisoning, but if I told them about it they might kill me directly. If I was wrong, I would embarrass and hurt them. It was a…

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Harry Potter and the Rejuvenated Life

It’s like I wrote this myself. Seriously. It’s crazy how well the author articulates how I feel about the HP books.

K and L Do Life

In the earliest years of my life, I became an avid reader. As I’ve mentioned before, I started reading very early, and never stopped. I read comic books, children’s books, and a few adult novels. When I was in first grade, they put me in the third grade reading classes, and even that bored me to death. There wasn’t much I could find that really held my attention.

When I was in elementary school, I found the Borrowers novels, and I read them hastily in a single night, absolutely enraptured by their fascinating world. I also loved the rats of NIMH series, and read all three books with a great hunger. Though I still feel a deep affection for those novels, as they helped point my path in life, what they have done for me pales in comparison to one single series. If I’m being completely honest, I have a…

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30 Mental Health Quotes that Inspire Part 8

These are great quotes to reflect on when you are having a rough time.

Bipolar Bandit (Michelle Clark)


Before you quit because the road seems too long, turn around and look how far you’ve come.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

When your self worth goes up, your net worth goes with it. ~Mark Hansen

Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. ~Einstein

Make today count. You’ll never get it back.

When you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are. All you notice is the person who doesn’t.

There is only one success; to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

A positive attitude is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you, no one would believe it.

I have…

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Pledge to Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project

Kitt O'Malley

Blog for Mental Health 2014

I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

In blogging about living with bipolar disorder, I have joined a movement of mental health consumers and advocates devoted to destigmatizing mental health issues. Together we offer each other compassion, support, and acceptance. Together we promote greater awareness and acceptance of mental health issues. Together we overcome the stigma within ourselves, within our families, and within our communities – local, state, national, and worldwide.

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